Sometimes the shock of our ignorance is still there- from when Jack was born and from when we started trying for a second child three years ago. We took so much for granted. Even after one or two losses, I never anticipated the process taking so long, or thinking we could lose so many pregnancies. I distinctively remember one of my first thoughts after Jack was born was one of pure relief and I thought "I'm so glad I don't have to do that again for another few years, it's all over" I mean, it was a difficult vaginal birth, a 28 hour labor and a first baby weighing 9 lbs 4 oz. I had months of pain and trauma that they tried to control with vaginal injections (which, can I just say, were way worse than just dealing with the pain) It was hard to walk or pee for a good five months and I didn't feel like myself again for about a year, but I never once thought that I might not get the chance again to bring life into the world. I didn't know that I would crave it more than anything and beg God for another chance.
I used to take comfort in saying things like "Well I'm sure we'll have another by the time he's 3 or 4." Now I find myself thinking "Probably by the time he's 6 or 10." But I feel like reality has set in, and it's true that I don't know anymore, if it will ever actually happen. It sounds like a fairy tale. People say "just adopt" like there is anything "just" about adopting. Like it's not some huge, emotional, spiritual, involved decision. Like it doesn't cost practically as much as IVF does. "Just adopt" sounds like you can just pick a kid out at the store- as if it doesn't take years and years. Sorry if that sounds like venting a bit, but it is a frustrating comment to me. Adoption isn't just something we're "putting off until we've tried everything else." It's literally not in the realm of possibilities for us at this time. But I think it could be a few years from now, when Kevin is a practicing DPT. We would love for our family to grow no matter how God intends for that to happen. Although, after so many lost pregnancies. it would mean the world to me to have the pregnancy part of the experience and deliver a live child.
Some days I'm just fine. I have good days. I have days where I enjoy the benefits of only having one child. I enjoy all the perks of him being older now. I think we're doing pretty good and I accept how my life is going and just keep living it. And other days it suddenly hurts so bad that I think my heart is literally going to rip in two and fall out of my chest. But I guess that's how all grief is. I'm thankful that work keeps me very busy. I've started working my second job on the same floor at the hospital, and work occasional overnight shifts, so I'm certainly never bored. I love everything I'm learning and it makes the exhaustion worth it.
As the surgery came close, I started having some anxiety that we were going to spend all this money and go through all the associated pain with no yield. I tried to remind myself that if this was the first problem we had found after one or two losses, we would be going in so happy- we would be sure that this was the problem to fix and then it would all be behind us. I think I would have perfect confidence that it would work, but the last three years have hardened me a bit and I remember, even if this works and the DNA for the babies turns out perfect, they still don't know if I can carry because of my health issues. Only we do know, right? Because I carried Jack for more than 9 months! I cannot even let myself feel how desperate I am for this to work. It's our last chance for us to have kids on our own. After this, it's either IVF with genetic testing or adoption.
The surgery day itself was very long, and the procedure was postponed for several hours, but everything went as well as it could have. When the surgeon met with my after, he explained that Kevin had four swollen veins that needed to be tied off to hopefully improve the DNA issues. I'm glad that there were some obvious problems to be addressed. The doctor was amazing- it was totally worth it to see a specialist. I was able to handle my emotions pretty well through the day, and was able to breathe through the anxiety. The only time I nearly burst into tears was when the doctor said, "Make sure to send me a baby picture when this is all over with ok?"
 |
| The surgeon gave me this picture from the microscope of the veins they tied off. Ouch. |
When Kevin came out of surgery, totally out of his mind on drugs, with no inhibitions, he was telling me all about how much he would love to have another baby. It was the sweetest thing, because I knew that was exactly how he felt. Seriously, these drugs were a straight-up truth serum (see video below if you want a good laugh.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ye-WYpG17c
Originally we knew it was a three month wait to find out the success of the procedure. At the hospital we learned that it is at least 3 months but quality can continue to improve for 6 to 9 months, which brings new question of how long we should wait again to test and to try to conceive again. We want to give our baby the best chance possible, even if that means waiting longer. Even if that feels unbearable. I think it will all depend on how much improvement the first test shows.
Being in the working world has helped me find new dreams and ambitions. Sometimes I feel very lost when I consider putting them off with hope that our family could grow- and equally unsettled about pursuing any further education or career advancements when trying for a baby. I imagine finally getting our miracle half way through a graduate program- would it be worth going into so much more debt? I doubt I would want to work at all if we have more children- especially with Kevin's career supporting us. Sometimes the sacrifices you end up making as a wife and mother are your own ambitions and dreams, for the greater good of the family. But I'm only 25, we have enough life left to have it all, and time to do all the things we dream of. I know Kevin will support me in whatever ends up being right for me in the end. And truly I would put everything else on hold to watch our family grow. (But how long do I wait to see if that will actually happen?)
In other news, our big boy has officially turned 4 years old! We had a wonderful weekend celebrating him and thinking of the joy he has brought to our lives. And obviously, spoiled him rotten :)
Life is good- we are very much looking forward to our trip to Disneyland this upcoming week!!
Sneak Peak of our Family Pictures 2015!
