Regardless of what you try, a mother's heart will always remember the missed moments with her babies. I went to a birthday party for a 2 year old recently and despite my best efforts to ignore it, looking at that cute little girl made me sad for my first loss, who was due about the same time and would be close to his or her second birthday. Part of me can't believe that we're coming up on three years of struggling to have a second child.
When I had my first loss (my second pregnancy) I couldn't imagine any more pain than there was in that moment. I couldn't have wrapped my mind around the fact that we would lose 6 babies in a row. It would have been incomprehensible. Especially after having a healthy 9lb 4oz boy the year before who was our first pregnancy. This is why God gives us a little at a time, and helps us grow trial by trial. We get to take it a day at a time, week at a time, and eventually that turns into years. We find strength to keep going that we weren't aware we possessed. I remember the first three months after our first loss were unbearable. They dragged on and on. I couldn't wait to be pregnant again so that we could have a baby to fill our arms and take away the hurt of the loss. When you are forced to wait you learn patience in a different way.
Three months no longer seems unbearable, but just part of a long term goal. We try to hope and plan, but we talk in terms of years now. In a way the pain has gotten better. Once it's chronic instead of immediate and shocking you become more numb to it. You are used to pushing through the difficult moments. There are still hurtful things said that surprise you or unexpected situations that sting, but overall you have been made stronger. I have been humbled so many times. I have been brought out of darkness to be made aware just how great the blessings I have are. I have so much more joy in my son. Looking at his face is literally staring at a miracle every day. It's like looking right at God's love for me, and looking at what inexplicable miracles can happen with His blessing. Jack has amazed me for so many reasons, as only a child can amaze his or her mother. My love for him is so great and I am in awe of him for so many reasons. I'm thankful for his spirit in my home and for the constant reminder of what is possible with God. The pain of my losses is often swallowed up in the joy I feel being with my family. I am so lucky.
I'm glad I only have one more due date to get through for Loss #6 coming up at the end of this year in November. Hopefully by that point we'll be testing to see if Kevin's surgery was successful in improving our chances of another live birth (by the way the surgery is officially scheduled for August 25th!) Since we can test his DNA fragmentation rate without getting pregnant, I'm simply not planning on having any more losses. One can hope.
You always hear people say "Life didn't turn out the way I planned" and usually the stories that follow are fascinating, painful, and unexpected. There is just no way to imagine what God has planned for us in so many areas of our life. I never imagined 7 pregnancies in the first five years of marriage with only one live birth. I never anticipated having an only child who will be much older than I wanted by the time he has siblings. I couldn't have known how helpless I would feel when he asks me for a playmate or asks when we will have our own baby.
God helps us grow in faith, in love, in knowledge and education, in sympathy, in gratitude. We couldn't do those things if we got to pick how things turned out for us. I really have a testimony of that. We can be obedient and patient and faithful- He will guide us the rest of the way. Things really do work out ok in the end. The end goal is for us to have joy. We can't understand joy without being tested and feeling sorrow. When I have my hardest days I have to remember that He has my best interest in mind. I believe that even when I don't understand it and even when I'm angry. I've had to confront more darkness following my losses than I've confronted before. Many new studies are looking at recurrent pregnancy loss as a cause of PTSD, with the most common symptoms being depression and anxiety. I've had to seek help for panic attacks, and depression, but I finally feel like I can win the battle. It's possible. I'm still battling many health problems I wasn't imagining would be part of my life. Some of them are contributors to us losing children, some may be as a result of the pregnancies. But I keep fighting. Giving up really isn't an option, you keep living. You keep dragging yourself to go exercise, to get out of bed, to go to work, to be a parent and a spouse, a daughter, a sister, a friend. In the end, you are fighting for happiness. Choose to be happy. Life is still good. All our heartaches are different, but in some ways they are the same. Have a full life and choose joy even in pain.
For my readers who are struggling with infertility or RPL, hope this brings a smile to your face. It definitely made me laugh.
