All I Can Do Is Everything Humanly Possible

I was so thrilled when it came time to schedule my IUD removal. To think, either we’ll have a baby in the near future or we’ll decide we’re finished trying- which would mean a vasectomy for Kevin and I never have to worry about an IUD again 🙌🏻

For some reason the removal was extra painful and made me feel all emotional. It’s so easy to forget how intense pelvic pain can be, and for me it brings back a lot of bad memories from the past decade. I left with a bit of dread hanging over me; knowing I had an SSG and endometrial biopsy ahead of me still. The doc tried to encourage me saying, “You’ve had vaginal deliveries, you can handle it!” But is that really the pain threshold we want to set? Childbirth? Woof.

I had to wait five weeks after the IUD removal for the biopsy. Kevin and I got all our ducks in a row regarding all the supplements and meds we’re supposed to be taking starting now. It’s a lot. Definitely hard on the stomach. If I’m lucky, maybe my hair will get thicker🤞

I completed my initial full-time contract at work, which felt like a huge accomplishment. I’ve been at this hospital for about a year and a half and I didn’t sign a contract right away. I wasn’t sure how to work full time nights with kids at home, plus I was still in school for my BSN. But we needed the money that came with it. I signed the contract and was financially relieved, but pretty devastated emotionally knowing we would have to wait even longer to try for a baby. I already felt anxious to start the testing process after I graduated with my RN. I was nervous to put it off again for an entire year. In spite of the mixed emotions, it feels great to know what I’ve accomplished this year for my family. Both financially and career-wise. It was the right choice and I’m relieved that the pressure of fulfilling a contract is off. Though, I am still full time for the foreseeable future.

I met with my neurologist and my OB; they were both so supportive and hopeful for me, which was wonderful. My OB said I didn’t need to “draw a hard line” at 35 and thought I had a few good years left. Putting biology aside, I think I need to draw a line at some point for myself. After all we’ve been through, having started my reproductive efforts at 20 years old, it’s been a lot of my life dedicated to this. It’s not as if we’ve just been waiting on Mother Nature to do her thing, it’s always a long and expensive process. It’s a lot of collaborating with several doctors. 

It has to come to an end sometime soon. I remember the exact day the doctor confirmed my pregnancy with Jack, because it was 1/1/11. To think that was over 13 years ago. I don’t want us to put more of our lives on hold due to a “just in case.” Closing the door after a tenth pregnancy, no matter how it ends up, will open more doors for us in the long run. More experiences for our children, more financial planning, and more peace.That’s not to say I’m not scared of losing another baby. I worry about falling back into that dark place. I find myself already making a “Plan B” list of things to be hopeful or excited about if a baby doesn't work out. I’m discovering what other goals I could dedicate my efforts towards.

My OB approved my plan to stay on a couple meds during a pregnancy. Also, I can continue all my medications while trying to conceive, which is a huge sigh of relief. It eases the stress and pressure if it takes a long time to fall pregnant. At least I won’t be suffering with chronic pain sans meds.

Lots of notes from appointments on how to try to preserve a pregnancy

Looking at our plan can feel overwhelming and like a Hail Mary attempt. I keep telling myself: All I can do is everything humanly possible.

I will try to give life a chance to grow and accept the fact that I likely have very little influence over the outcome. Most factors are entirely out of my control. Maybe that's also a good thing? If all was healthy, I likely could do very little to accidentally hurt a little life growing.

I try to take courage in the fact that my body has always done everything it knows how, to the best of its ability, to protect new life. I’ve successfully produced a son and daughter, despite all the odds. I'm trying not to live in traumatic moments of the past. Who's to say the next pregnancy won't be perfectly normal and complication free? It's absolutely in the realm of possibility. I’m trying to have faith that “life finds a way” ;)

Appointment day was rough. I felt a little crazy. Why not stay up through the day, then work all night, then stay up into the next day to drop a grand on what feels like having a hole punch eat through your uterus? Why the hell not.

The biopsy was so much worse than I remembered; electricity was just shooting up my spine. Like literally are you sampling my vertebrae in there 😭 I had a harder time with the recovery too, it almost felt post op. I had to splint while walking or coughing and wasn’t allowed to take any hot baths which is my go to for pain management.

The SSG was more manageable and the NP said it was the most “perfect and beautiful uterus” she’s seen in a while. At least I have that going for me.

In 2019 when I was first diagnosed with endometritis, they gave me the choice of doing two weeks of antibiotics with a follow up biopsy, or doing a month of antibiotics with no follow up (because it was like 98% successful.) I couldn’t afford a second biopsy so I did the month of meds and it was just miserable. I know the protocol for treatment has changed in the last five years. We were never able to get pregnant after the antibiotic treatment before we took a long break from trying to conceive, so I was never totally sure if the endometritis cleared up. 

As horrible as the biopsy was, it would be completely worth it if the results came back negative! While waiting on results I put all the vibes out there- please please please be negative. Then the results came in.

And my reaction was somewhere around here:

I instantly felt dread just thinking of the constant nausea from the antibiotic treatment. I was prescribed Cipro and Flagyl and told to take both, twice a day, for two weeks. RIP my gut flora. I am taking a probiotic in between doses to minimize side effects, but I am just so freaking sick. It reminds me of morning sickness but worse, and my head is just spinning all the time. Work has been difficult because when I have 10 patients it’s hard to just run off sick and hide in the bathroom until the cold sweat stops. I will be taking antibiotics until the 10th of April, followed by another biopsy to confirm effective treatment. If I survive that long. The flu-like symptoms seem to get worse every single day of meds. 

My sweet friend just happened to stop by within 20 minutes of me getting the crummy news and brought flowers that she just happened to buy because they reminded her of me. Such an angel. She saved me from spending the afternoon crying.

Endometritis is caused by an infection in the uterus and can be due to several different types of bacteria. It is more likely to occur after a miscarriage or childbirth. It’s also more common after a long labors or a C-section. The incidence of chronic endometritis is very high in patients with unexplained infertility. 

From a scientific standpoint I think all of this advancement in understanding the endometrium at the cellular level is really exciting. Secondary infertility is more common than primary infertility and I wonder how frequently this is a contributing factor. Especially since the treatment is relatively conservative and easy with a high success rate- the data really speaks for itself.

Maybe I’ve had endometritis for a long time. I had 6 miscarriages in between Jack and Aidia. Jack was a long labor (like 28 hours) and a rough delivery. Maybe I developed it after giving birth to Aidia. Or after my miscarriage after her in 2019. I also had IUDs inserted and removed several times through all those years. I do have pelvic pain often, but with fibromyalgia it’s really hard to distinguish actual clinical symptoms when it comes to pain. A biopsy looks at the cellular level so it wouldn’t be surprising to me if chronic endometritis often flies under the radar with no symptoms. I imagine women who unknowingly have endometritis are often diagnosed with unexplained multiple losses or infertility. Even if I wasn't having any more children, I want to treat this to keep my own risks down.

Here’s a Link if you would like to read more about it.

Life will always throw curveballs and we just have to learn how to handle them. My hospital was just purchased by a new company and it really threw all my plans for taking a maternity leave out the window. Losing benefits randomly is scary and it just confirms that all we can expect is the unexpected. I really hope that also means unexpected joyful news. Thanks for all the love and support. Send me all your favorite foods to eat when you can’t eat anything without getting sick ;)

In the meantime, I’m going to do tough girl stuff. Like going to therapy.